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The Art of Enjoying Solitude

Monday, February 15, 2021

 



There is something enticing about being in my own company, or perhaps with a silent four-legged partner, walking down a dirt path. I can hear and feel the crunch of the gravel beneath my shoes, the wind whispering through the trees, and the sun peeking out from behind the leaves. At that moment, the rest of the world washes away while I contemplate and organize the thoughts busy in my mind or wash them away with the music from my earbuds. The moment is mine entirely and nothing else matters. I ponder over the complexities of existence dipping my metaphorical toes into existential ideas while attempting to hold on to the literality of life. Or maybe, I am sitting bundled up in my blanket cocoon with a book in my lap immersed in a world so fascinatingly different from mine filled with characters who are now a part of my being as I savor each page that my eyes scan. As I put my book away, both mourning and rejoicing in the ending of another world, I bask in the soothing quiet, and cozy surroundings. These moments are special and integral to my well-being.


    Even when my family of four lived in a tiny two-bedroom apartment, I would search for my pockets of escape so that I had my alone time during which I could escape into my through a novel or my own imagination. My mind would be free to unravel its thoughts and ideas to entropic proportions to the point where it almost mimicked an out-of-body experience. My favorite space was the top bunk bed in the bedroom I shared with my sister. 

Rejected... Reasons Men and Their Mothers Turned Me Down for Marriage

Friday, January 29, 2021

 




As I sit here in my bedroom pondering the inexplicable intricacies of life and being human, my mind took a turn towards the complex topic of marriage and relationships. Perhaps watching Bridgerton also brought up memories of reaching the marriageable age in society and how that went for me. Being a Pakistani woman, my mind naturally raced down memory road and decided to focus on how I achieved rejections in my life amidst dressing up in colorful clothes and looking presentable to the aunties always watching me. The fact that I can sit here and laugh about the absurdities of my culture and chuckle over what these people conveyed to me at that time is an accomplishment in itself. I have decided that others should be just as entertained as I am on the various reasons for rejections and also consider the underlying seriousness of it all. Though this seems funny to me now, experiencing their brandished verbal weapons at that time was significantly jarring and resulted in the upheaval of my life. 


Ushering in 2021

Friday, January 22, 2021

 




We have ushered in a new year, 2021, and my thoughts are all over the place. Instead of making New Year's resolutions, I wanted to withdraw and not think about anything. In moments such as this, I tend to forget what and why I am doing certain things. For example, I have felt less and less enthused about keeping up with my blog. I started off strong, but then I felt my motivation wither away as doubt crept in. I became focused on whether anybody cares to read my words and if they really matter. When I type, I don't remember what I wish to say as if my words are like a dream slipping through the cracks of my brain as I try harder to conjure them up. But then I remember that I am doing this for myself just as much as I am doing this for others. Sure, I want my posts to be relatable to you and perhaps I will find a few like-minded individuals over time, but this is also a form of therapy purely for myself. 


    The funny part is that I am in a much more stable place now than I was a few years ago and my brain is content in keeping the harsh blips in my life distant buried memories. I should have started this when I was living through my nightmares to help myself cope, but it always worried me they would find it and this kept me away from displaying my agony to strangers. But it makes me happy knowing that there are those out there who are able to voice their concerns and pain because I know how challenging and difficult that can be. I have decided I will continue with my journey and my thoughts even if this becomes just a memoir for me because I can take a look back and watch my journey and thoughts unfold. This is also the reason I used to enjoy writing in journals but I never continued long enough to observe my own progression because my journal would be discovered or I would be paranoid that someone will read it. 

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