Saturday, November 27, 2021

I thought that losing a lover would be a painful experience that would take me days or weeks to get over. But what I found is that when friends part ways, that is an entirely different and uncomfortable situation from hell. As I heard my friend say the words that would alter our relationship forever, all our past memories raced through me equating the speed of my racing heart as I tried desperately grasping the fraying edges and defending myself to make it work. But the attempt wasn't enough to save the burning bridge. Fifteen years wasn't enough to absolve me of my current mistake. 

I hurt her. No excuses on my part diminish the pain she felt. I understand that very well.  But I hoped we could work it through and come to a resolution so that we would grow old together and be the two crazy ladies in the same nursing home terrorizing everyone with our canes. But I can only apologize so much to coax her to come back to me. 

Denial. I refused to believe she would not speak to me anymore after all we had. My mind repeatedly consoled me that she will come around when she remembers all the times I have been there for her regardless of the time of day. That all those happy moments that were unique to us would soften her heart. She would not walk away from the bond and growth we experienced together, the tears, the laughter, the listening to music in the car driving in the rain while we skipped class and pondered over the meaning of our lives. 

Anger. If she thinks I have taken her for granted, then she is being ignorant of my side of the story. I wanted to lash out too. Why should I have to defend myself tooth and nail when I am not the only one who has made mistakes? I forgave. So why did I need to prove myself and my love for you repeatedly? Sometimes, I apologized to you so I could make peace with you. I knew I hurt you, but you continued to hold on to those times from the past only to bring them up again in the future to add on to a burden of guilt that supposedly was resolved. This feels toxic and I am angry. Part of me bubbles in rage at the thought that I am dismissed so easily. In a couple of lines over text, you played our fate. Those words twisted the knife in my back because I was so wholly unprepared for the end.  

Bargaining. Maybe I can convince her that we will both regret the distance in time and we had something special. The anger I feel over this stems from my bond and love for her after all. Should I search out the compromise that I don't agree with in order to salvage our burning ship?

Depression. People I care about keep slipping through my fingers. Does this mean there is something wrong with me? Am I the problem here? My future looks bleak because I lost a soul to who I thought I would be tied for eternity. Loneliness creeps into my mind questioning my self-worth. I add this rejection to the looming pile I continue to hoard from my present and past. I have failed in everything. I can't seem to keep people around long enough. Everyone tires of me eventually. 

Acceptance. I need to separate my life from her choices. I would not have dismissed us so easily no matter how angry I felt. I have had my bouts of irritation in the past but she was always worth the effort to stick around. Perhaps she has her reasons for walking away from us that I am not fully aware of. This may be the best decision for her even if it isn't for me. And so I will swallow the bitter pill and lay us to rest as my mourning ebbs and flows into a trickle from the tsunami of emotions that flooded me. I know there is unresolved trauma in her that she continues to tackle. Her doubt in relationships stems from childhood and is not something I am responsible for or required to fix even if I desperately wish to.

Entering my thirties changed my perception of compromise in relationships drastically. The twenty-year-old me would have quietly swallowed my pride and found a way to coax my friend back into my life because of my undying love and affection for her. I always ignore flaws to a dangerous degree because of my own childhood trauma and upbringing. I wanted those whom I love to love me back and be happy with me and to achieve this, I would bend myself until I break. I staunchly stand there weathering blows for others because I so desperately want to believe they would do the same for me with all my flaws. But the majority of people I have met naturally tend to protect themselves first. Others have set boundaries I have trouble maintaining. Human relationships change with time because our growth never stops. Or sometimes, one individual outgrows the other and the dynamic polarizes the gravity holding that bond together. Instead of the pull originally felt, there is a push to distance one's self. 

I choose to remember those beautiful moments that defined and molded us into who we are now. There were more good times than bad despite what life threw around us. We grew together even if it was for a moment. As I continue my journey of self-reflection and growth, I will lose and gain people as they navigate their own paths. Every life battles with its own tragedies and insecurities that cannot be understood by anyone except the one who is fighting. A loss will always sprout the stages of grief because I don't keep that many people close enough to learn about the true me and so, when someone walks away, my bubble shrinks. Nevertheless, my tribe hasn't entirely dispersed. I continue to be surrounded by those who choose to stay and I remind myself of those precious ones every day. And thus, I will say goodbye to you, my dear friend. Maybe our paths will intertwine once again if we choose to recreate what we painstakingly built over a decade or we find new beginnings in which our roles continue to change. 

Until Next Time,

Image by Pexels from Pixabay 

1 comment:

  1. You touched on a very sensitive topic. I have experienced a close friendship ending and it had given me tremendous amount of pain. I could relate to your post


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