Friendships

 

I am blessed with a few really beautiful and strong friendships over the years. One I have known since I was three years old and some others are newer, but just as precious. But navigating the world of friends can be difficult and testing at times. 

I made my first couple of friends at the age of three or four within the building we first moved into after arriving in Canada. We fought and we played together for several years up until the age of ten. Being in a trio could be a little challenging though because one person ends up taking a side in the fight and it would switch over time creating little rifts. As I mentioned in some previous posts, our parents pitted us against each other competitively from a very early age. This probably did not help the situation either. Our trio broke around grade six when my cousins came in the picture. One of the cousins became closer friends with my one member of the trio and started an all-out war against me. They united and decided it was time for mutiny and disbanding. From this point, we drifted apart, and I moved to a different city. Until the initiation of Facebook, I could not reconnect with any of my friends who weren't in my city. The other third of the trio and I remain close friends to this day. 

    There are some girls who I became friends with but lost touch with because they moved schools or our meetings were so fleeting in the age before cell phones that there were not many avenues for remaining in touch. To this day I think of these girls and wonder where they are now and what they are doing. In high school, I did not make many friends because I could not bond with them outside of school. My parents did not allow me to visit friends or spend time after school chasing friendships. Because of this reason, I never became very close to anyone until I reached college. I grew with girls from my religious community and a few of them have remained in touch with me as I flitted across the globe who I see now and then when I touch base in the city. 

    Friends are an essential component of growth from childhood through adulthood. Forming these relationships taught me how to navigate social circles and talk with other people as colourful and unique as their personalities. All it required was a connection in a certain area and we would be off into a new world with a new bond. In childhood, fights would be simpler, there was more honesty as to what went wrong. We were also more forgiving as a child than when teenage came around. In high school, betrayals became severe and unforgivable. It was hard to continue to trust someone who hurt me and forgive them while managing raging hormones and growth. High school was a time of learning who I was, figuring out the future, and trying to maintain relationships. I did form some friendships with cousins, but they fizzled out as time went on. I always thought that I just wasn't an interesting enough person to maintain friends, but I realized later on if I was able to be myself in high school like I was during college, my social scene would have been very different. 

    But it's okay. It is not as if I am completely alone. I may not have retained a sizeable chunk of the people who I considered to be my friends, but I know those that have stuck around have become extensions of my extended family. Perhaps even closer than my own family, since I don't have a close bond with any of my siblings. Despite this, I am not lonely. I am very content with the way life panned out. Even with these wonderful people, fights and differences occur which results in moments of chaos and discord. What I needed to remind myself was that those individual moments do not define the entire relationship and that everyone enters my life with their own flaws and beauty. I cannot expect anyone to be perfect knowing full well I am not perfect myself. Also, when situations end, it provides a good opportunity to re-evaluate one's life and focus on who or what is not healthy. It offers a moment of improvement self-awareness that is required to move forward.  

    The most difficult aspect of forming relationships is learning when it is time to let them go. Sometimes I have harboured unpleasant thoughts for those who have left or hurt me for many years. But this was to my own detriment because the person who I was fueling the hatred within me did not even know what was happening and frankly, even if they did, they would not care. Giving somebody key real estate and energy in my head only ends up hurting and stressing me out. So I begin to wonder what is the point of all this wasted energy. It becomes important at this stage to understand that I am feeling this way because I am not ready to let them go and continue to hold on to them through the anger that I feel. Sure, they are the ones that betrayed me and I have a right to be upset about it, mull over it, wallow in the self-pity. But eventually, this becomes exhausting for me. There is no positive outcome in this scenario. 

    Sometimes what happens is I know there's no moving forward with someone in a healthy way, but I linger on playing nice and putting myself out there for people who do not care or even appreciate it. Yet I continue to fake my interest for the sake of not hurting the other party and damage my mental health. In cases such as these, I cannot show any change in my behaviour to prevent the other person from becoming suspicious so I continue to bend in unreasonable ways making myself unhappy. The other person unknowingly continues with the situation that should have ended a long time ago. The longer the time passes, the more difficult it becomes to just let go. I hate conflict but I forget avoiding difficult scenarios doesn't lessen the suffering it just delays and prolongs the discomfort on both ends. The more time that passes, the less the person in question will understand why I suddenly let go. Why now? 

    Just to make one thing clear, none of this means that the friend I had a falling out with did something terrible or unforgivable. It could be the change that comes with the passing of time and we drifted or our interests and values just did not align anymore as they used to. Parting is difficult, but it may be inevitable. What I bonded with you during school may not be a subject of conversation anymore and I feel left out as it is in the current circumstance or maybe their priorities changed after life events such as marriage or having kids and I am still stuck where I was. 

    Now you may wonder if I leave friends behind just because they don't talk to me as often or their life changed. This is not true at all! In fact, with those whom I love, we can pick up right where we left off whether it a day, a month, or a year that passed since we last spoke. There is still that undeniable affection and a connection so strong that nothing can damage it. I am lucky enough to say I have this in my life with some girls. When I am with these amazing souls, time relativity puts me to the test because hours move like seconds and I fall into such bliss. My worries drain away and my soul fills with joy as I sync with my tribe. That's what they are, my tribe. Laughter echoes through the room as we get lost in our witty, hilarious conversations or excitedly talk about the way life crumbles around us. In those moments the outside world vanishes, taking our problems with it. It's just us in the room, relishing these moments and searing them into our brains for a time when we feel lost and alone. These moments remind us that there are those out there who will always be there, no matter what happens next. Others may come and go, but their roots intertwine and hold mine steadfast among their own. We continue to sway with the winds of change, digging in and nourishing ourselves and those that stand with us. Our exteriors may become gnarled and old with the changing seasons as we weather life's tests. But I remain strong in the strength of my company.

Until Next Time,