The First One Part 2

Monday, October 19, 2020


After that initial exciting encounter in Pakistan, I flew back home with my heart all aflutter with this new connection I had made. My mind became focused on just him. I couldn't concentrate on my schoolwork or anything else. I began shirking my duties and finding ways to sneak and use the computer at night or very early in the morning because of the time difference. I would be waiting impatiently on MSN Messenger for him to sign in and that we could spend the next few hours talking about anything and everything. I didn't even realize how weird our conversation was back then. I accepted it all without any hesitation when I should have taken the time out to notice the red flags from right in the beginning. 

    Before we started a romantic and exclusive relationship, we became really close friends. In fact, he became my best friend. I only had one other close friend at the time and I would meet her a few times in the year since she went to a different school and lived in a different city. I did not have anyone around who I could confide everything to. Even my other friend, we didn't talk often enough at that stage for me to feel like she was someone I could run to when I was down. There were many things going on within me at that time. My parents were working and unavailable. My mother worked night shifts as a nurse and needed to take care of my youngest sister at the time who was a baby. She was barely sleeping two or three hours during the day so she was eternally exhausted and frustrated. My father didn't make life any easier and he was working during the day. They were having marital problems while trying to raise four children. There was no time for me there. When this boy entered my life, he gave me his full attention and let me share all my woes without complaining. I was so happy and grateful to have someone like that in my life. We shared similar tastes in music and movies and loved to talk about life in general. He appeared as someone very mature for his age in my mind and I looked up to him. I was content with having him just as a friend even because I wanted nothing to ruin the special bond we had built. I needed him in my life with all the teenage angst built up inside me. He had many opinions and a lot to say as well. He was also having his own difficulties in life because he was unsure about his future, where he wanted to go, and what he wanted to do. I would listen to his worries and talk it out with him so that he felt better. In those moments it was as if we had unlimited time to figure things out, and yet we were both so stressed about the future. 


    It seemed as if we would never run out of things to talk about with each other. This is an enormous deal for me as I am not a very talkative person. Our silences were not awkward, and he was very understanding. He confessed that I did not attract him right away. Weirdly, it was my mother that caught his attention. My mother developed the reputation of a superwoman in Pakistan. Everyone in Pakistan was in awe of how hard she worked in Pakistan for her family and held her marriage together. She was the talk of the town when we arrived and everyone wanted to know how she did it. She inspired him and he mentioned that he saw her qualities in me and that drew him towards me. If I am being honest I found it a little strange but I didn't think much of it. I was flattered to be compared to my mother as she was the strongest and most resilient woman I knew with the softest heart. I aspired to be her every day. 

    He never cared about being on time or showing up. He would show up when he wanted to and he had no idea what toll that took on me waiting every single night and morning just to catch him even for a few moments. Sometimes he would mention that he would be online later but would never come because of some commitment or other. He knew how to balance his life whereas I had no idea how to handle my feelings and obsession. I wanted to put the world at his feet and do anything I could for him that was within my power. I was sensitive to the changes in his emotions that I noticed even though our conversations were textual. I am sure this was also a reason for a lot of misunderstandings over the years. We barely talked on the phone because I did not have a personal cell phone until I graduated from high school. I lose track of a lot of time that should have been focused on more productive things such as helping my overworked mother around the home and my schooling. My mother noticed the change in me and became very suspicious of how much time I was spending on the computer. She was still unaware of what happened in Pakistan and I wanted to keep it that way as long as possible. 

    He mentioned that this was not his first relationship. I was unsurprised at all and it did not matter to me whether I was his first or not but I wanted to be his last. At that time I played it very nonchalant and detached because to me this entire relationship still felt quite surreal. I don't know how he was managing it but he actually had a wilder life in Pakistan that I could ever imagine having even in Canada. He was out partying, drinking, trying different drugs with all sorts of people. He didn't care about his studies and he did not have any responsibilities at home. He became a real-life version of those characters I read of in my novels, that dark and handsome bad boy that all the girls were pining over. I didn't even understand why he was with me because I was the complete opposite. I was the bookish, quiet girl that didn't have many friends and had not experienced much outside my bubble that my parents helicoptered. I became fascinated with his adventures. I was so transfixed with him that I didn't even realize he was grooming me to his liking in a delicate way over time.

    He asked me about my sex life and I mentioned it was nonexistent. All I knew about romance was from novels and movies I snuck and watched whenever I could. In my mind, I would conjure daydreams of simply hugging and holding his hand. That was enough stimulation to drive me into a state of ecstasy and I did not need or want any more than that. I told him this and he accepted my truth, but looking back this was not enough for him. He needed more than this but he did not outright ask me bluntly. He coaxed me slowly asking me whether I would kiss him. In the beginning, I would giggle in my seat as I typed "no... I don't think so, I just want to hold hands and wrap my arms around you." Then I would stop and think that maybe I would be open to more if it made him happy so I replied back, "I wouldn't stop you if you kissed me though, I guess."

    He responded to this comment enthusiastically and used my drive to make him happy to continue to push me further. To make me comfortable, he would tell me about his own wild or sexual adventures in the past to gauge my reaction. When he saw I had no problem with him sharing this kind of information, he would push me to consider it too. Over time, he moved up from kissing to touching, from touching to probing, second base, third base, and finally the home run. He explicitly mentioned his desire to have sex with me. The idea didn't really interest me because my mind was not there yet. When I would mention this to him he would put this conversation aside but continue it the following day. Sometimes I would express annoyance over being pestered by him because of the same topic so he would stop for a week or until he noticed my mood was better. This continued throughout our entire relationship. I would eventually give in to his demands even though my mind resisted. He enjoyed my writing and would ask me to write out romantic scenarios that we may have if we were to meet. I happily would write about detailed events from everyday life to dates that we could be having as I envisioned in my mind. I was shy and it made me nervous talking about physical intimacy beyond hugging and kissing even in those stories. However, he kept insisting I write the intimate scenarios in more detail by explaining we have been together for a year now and we would have progressed past the stage of just kissing and hugging. Eager to please, I complied with his wishes but I did not know that much about what happened beyond that. I looked for information in romance novels and other stories I came across so I could write in a bolder manner. As you can see, I was putting twice as much effort into this than my homework. 

    After a year, he wasn't happy with the stories anymore and wanted to see photos of me. This was his next goal. He would continue to push me beyond my limits and I would protest but eventually give in. I did everything he asked me to and even looked for ways to make me happy. I did it for my best friend and my love. But little did I know, that there was no gratitude for me and my actions. Instead, I would face the most difficult time of my life because my wishes went unheard. This became the quiet before my biggest storm. 

Until Next Time,

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  1. Very intriguing post. Little do girls out there know the dangerous and damaging path it leads to. Love the way you described your emotions. I am sure every girl can relate to the initial infatuation and skipping heartbeat moments when being in love but we don't know the intentions on other side. Love the expression of parents helicoptering around. Please continue shedding light on these stories which can create awareness for young girls out there on how to be able to pick up on those red flags

    1. Thank you! Love puts our mind and emotions into such a crazy frenzy which can be difficult to deal with when you cannot talk about it with your parents. It can be very difficult to distinguish those red flags especially when there is no experience.


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