Ushering in 2021

 

We have ushered in a new year, 2021, and my thoughts are all over the place. Instead of making New Year's resolutions, I wanted to withdraw and not think about anything. In moments such as this, I tend to forget what and why I am doing certain things. For example, I have felt less and less enthused about keeping up with my blog. I started off strong, but then I felt my motivation wither away as doubt crept in. I became focused on whether anybody cares to read my words and if they really matter. When I type, I don't remember what I wish to say as if my words are like a dream slipping through the cracks of my brain as I try harder to conjure them up. But then I remember that I am doing this for myself just as much as I am doing this for others. Sure, I want my posts to be relatable to you and perhaps I will find a few like-minded individuals over time, but this is also a form of therapy purely for myself. 

    The funny part is that I am in a much more stable place now than I was a few years ago and my brain is content in keeping the harsh blips in my life distant buried memories. I should have started this when I was living through my nightmares to help myself cope, but it always worried me they would find it and this kept me away from displaying my agony to strangers. But it makes me happy knowing that there are those out there who are able to voice their concerns and pain because I know how challenging and difficult that can be. I have decided I will continue with my journey and my thoughts even if this becomes just a memoir for me because I can take a look back and watch my journey and thoughts unfold. This is also the reason I used to enjoy writing in journals but I never continued long enough to observe my own progression because my journal would be discovered or I would be paranoid that someone will read it. 

    As you may have noticed, my self-esteem has taken a tremendous hit over the years and it is painful trying to build it back up. I am always doubting and second-guessing myself at every stage along the way. I analyze repeatedly until I have broken down every event, action, and word into a million parts and picked out every flaw I can possibly find. Even then, months or years later, I might discover something new to chew my nails over. But somewhere along the way, I began changing my mindset. I do fall into my old traps every now and then but the spiraling definitely reduced itself over the years. 

Photo by Tim Mossholder on Unsplash

       Since we do give ourselves imaginary start dates that we can highlight and circle on calendars, I will attempt to use this as a form of a fresh start. I thought 2020, being the beginning of a new decade would be my year but we all know the catastrophe that it became. Nevertheless, this year provided me with ample opportunity to just be. Life slowed down for each of us and that proved to be a blessing and a curse because there was no choice involved in this. Some of us chose to use the time and hone in on our creativity and produce beautiful results around ourselves whereas others chose to spend the time slowing down, catching up on reading, and simply living without requiring more. Both options are great in their own ways. Our families and pets, for the most part, appreciated our constant presence. 

    But as 2021 progresses, I am also ready for new beginnings and continuing adventures. There will be so many new things to learn about and discover and I am ready for that as well. So I am going to keep going and continue to hope for the best, no matter how many times I fall this year. So this is the year I will focus on moving on from my past just a little more so that it doesn't haunt me as much and have more laughs with my loved ones. I also realize that as I get older, I have fewer demands from life and the rest of the things are just requests of indulgence and I am grateful for my life. There are so many things to be appreciative about so I am going to start with this mindset and move forward from here. 

Photo by Theodor Eilertsen Photography on Unsplash

    When I think about writing resolutions and what I wish my life would culminate into if converted to a few words on a gravestone or some lines on an obituary, I want to be remembered as someone who laughed a lot and made others smile. I want to be remembered as someone who worked hard and was a fighter but did not succumb to the harshness that surrounded her. I am but a small blip of accumulated atoms within this expansive universe whose size I cannot begin to comprehend. But even so, I can make an impact and difference within my small pond and ensure better futures for those who I am responsible for. Most importantly, I will continue my fight to break the generational curses that have continued, survived, and even flourished. They will end with me. There is a poem I think about from time to time that influenced my perception regarding children which every parent should read and consider as they take on their new challenging and rewarding responsibility. 

On Children

Your children are not your children.

They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.

They come through you but not from you,

And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.

You may give them your love but not your thoughts

For they have their own thoughts.

You may house their bodies but not their souls,

For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.

You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you,

For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.

You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth.

The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite, and He bends you with His might that His arrows may go swift and far.

Let our bending in the archer's hand be for gladness;

For even as He loves the arrow that flies, so He loves also the bow that is stable.

By Khalil Gibran

    

Until Next Time,

Intro photo by Waldemar Brandt on Unsplash