Even after surpassing the third decade of my life, I find it very difficult to answer this question without the help of others. I don't know why I don't see anything when I ask myself this question. I could answer any questions regarding who I wish to be or who I am supposed to be according to the way I conform and bend with the relationships and expectations formed around me but I don't know if that person is truly indicative of me. I feel as if there is a continuous conflict deep within me to strive for perfection where there is none and since I will never achieve that, I refuse to even acknowledge the person I am with all my imperfections.
Even if I were to ask others about myself they will paint a portrait of me through their eyes based on what they have seen while with me but rarely have they observed me when I am fully exposed and raw. I can count on one hand those special individuals in my life who have walked with me through all the ups and downs in my life and the moments where I wanted to hide who I had become or what I was doing. I have been down many paths and not all of them were cheery straight paths with colourful guiding fairies.
Why is it so hard for me to accept myself and embrace the fact that although I have parts of me I will be working on, I still deserve love and respect from myself. This pertains to both my physical and spiritual self since navigating life forces change on the body and the mind. We grow and mature and carry baggage laden on us by those whom we love or have loved and the children we bare and nurture. People are coming and going from my life and sometimes I am not prepared to say goodbye when they are. Why is it so difficult to let go of things, objects, people, desires, friendships, love, and goals?
I have spent a great portion of my life living it in a way that I don't step on anyone's feet or upset them because I am ever ready to protect those around me proclaim they love me and I love them. But everyone around me is human and though they mean well they may have left a toll on my heart and mind which I keep within me. Those should not become faults of mine and instead bloom into opportunities of growth and wisdom but sometimes I let it all simmer to the edge of boiling and fear when it starts to overflow in my mind. How did lose control like this?
As time goes on I find it difficult to let new people in even though they may bring new adventures and excitement in my life because there is a small voice in my mind who is afraid of getting hurt. That natural instinct to trust those around you found in the innocence of a child or someone with stability in their life is a gift not bestowed on me. Yet, I do want to welcome the love, attention, and adoration of those who pass into my life so that we can make everlasting beautiful memories together and grow in synchronous harmony.
Nevertheless here I stand, bearing all that came before me with the fire that continues to fuel inside me unrelenting. I continue to shower love to those around me and pursue what excites me and gives me purpose. I have worn many different titles in my life with some more significant than others but it was those interpersonal relationships and unwavering bonds that also continue to hold me up today. I am bound by those bonds and also untethered to fly as I dare to dream. Excited, always curious, I learn to appreciate the life I have and the preciously short time in which to discover the meaning behind my existence if there is one.
Until Next Time,
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