I am not who I was ten years ago and I may not even be exactly who I was one week ago. I needed to learn many lessons so that I could upgrade to the person I became. At this point in time, I am not perfect but I am proud of the changes within me despite the scars that came with the battles I have fought. There were two big lessons I needed to learn to achieve the peace I have acquired today: time never stops and I need to forgive myself and accept my past.
The past is a messy place with several pockets of darkness within its walls. There are many memories or thoughts that keep me up at night because I spend my time analyzing and revisiting the moments and imagining what I could have done differently and what may have been the result of that. It is an endless cycle of anguish that I am unable to remove myself from and the skeletons continue to haunt me in my present day. How do I peacefully lay down my past so that I can continue to move forward and use my past as lessons that sculpted who I am today instead of wearing them as a burden?
There comes a point where I realize that I am helpless about my past. Sure, there are a million things I could have done differently had I known better but, at the time I made those decisions, I had my reasoning behind them. My past is a part of me but it will never define me. Even though a part of me understands that life is fluid and in continuous motion instead of being static, others made it difficult for me to accept this. In my mid-twenties, there was this young man I was dating who did not understand the concept of change at all. It would confuse him immensely if I changed my stance on something down the road in our relationship. For example, at the beginning of our relationship, I was firm with my idea of having kids early and not waiting but as time went on, I placed my priority in completing my education and focusing on my career instead. I wanted to evolve with my circumstances but this man could not. He would get upset that I would constantly change my mind about things based on where I was going with life and found it difficult to follow.
But that is the beauty of life and adaptation is the name of the game. Wherever I am in life at this very point is not where I will be a few moments down the road. Everything continues to move and change so I know I would not survive if I did not allow myself to move forward as well. I did not want to become the relic of my past in a present full of opportunity.
I have been hurt by others and sometimes because of my own actions. Every decision I have made, everyone I have met, and lost helped me grow in some way too. In their own way, they were guiding lights of warning and improvement so that I could mature and learn. Some mistakes I even repeated a few times before I learned my lesson. I have let go of those who abandoned my companionship or whose priorities did not match up. The one person who requires my forgiveness the most is myself. I am hard enough on myself as it is and my own worst critic. It would be a different case if I did not learn from my mistakes in the past or committed and unforgivable crime but that is not the case. I was just learning along with everybody else.
Another question I ask myself is if I don't move on from my past, will I be able to continue through life in a positive and open manner? In most cases, the answer is no because I will build unnecessary walls in order to protect myself from being hurt again or I will create barracks that will stunt my own progression. I want to be able to continue to live and enjoy life and do more than just survive and lick my battle wounds all the time.
Taking risks, meeting new people, and forming relationships is terrifying. Unless I am content in remaining a recluse, I will need to forge ahead and push myself out of my comfort zone. I tend to forget that there are good moments and beautiful memories intermixed with the unpleasant ones. I have never regretted taking a risk. When I look back at my fondest memories, those precious moments were formed from the spontaneity and adventurous side of me. I am sure you can relate to this as well. Careful calculations can help you minimize your chance of being taken advantage of or putting yourself in a dangerous situation but it could also deprive you of forming those much needed connections with the world around you.
If you agree that you have learned from your past mistakes then it is time to slowly venture out into the world again. The best way to start that is with the help of the loved ones around you whether that is family or friends. Therapy may also help you find the right footing and bring down the massive fort of protection you have built around yourself and cautiously allow others in once again. This will not happen all at once but every step you take is still a step forward. But whatever step you take the momentum needs to build from within and start with acceptance of yourself and your imperfections.
Our futures are full of unlimited potential and paths so why waste the blank slate that we are provided each day. Do not stop your feet from carrying you to lands unknown and untraversed because who knows who or what you might bump into. The truth of the matter is that even when you are stuck in the present afraid to take up that new opportunity or meet that new person, you may still be unhappy feeling bound in that insecurity. It is time to take charge and open the doors to new beginnings.
Until Next Time,
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