Eccentricity

Will my wrinkles

in time come to be

from an endless bombardment of paranoia

or wisdom of life?

one or the other

soon shall be seen

mark of a warrior

or the psychotic toxins in me

Although I initially wrote this poem in 2008 as supposed satire when I was still in my twenties, I feel as every year passes, this poem rings truer to my reality. At this point, I am just hoping it is the wisdom creeping up on my face as some fine wrinkles make their grand appearance. I do believe I have learned a lot over the years and made peace with reality in a way that I can help my future children navigate their lives. If I had kids in my twenties I would not have been able to provide the steady hand that I have today because I would still be figuring a lot of things out while also trying to raise them and so in some ways, maybe for me, this later marriage is a blessing in disguise.

As life continues to move forward, as I know it will, I just need to remember that my strength is founded on the challenges that were presented before me and the steps I took to push myself out of my comfort zone. When I look back at my life, the moments that stand out the most are the struggles that I overcame. I so clearly remember that when I was going through them I thought there would never be that light at the end of the tunnel and I would remain forever ensnared in my current gloom. But life is never stagnant and even when I chose not to move, life still kept moving.

We are creatures of selective memories and short term thrill so even when it felt that the whole world standing there laughing at my pain would never forget, they did because something new came up or fresher gossip about somebody else's pain became more appealing. Then, all of a sudden, it was just me sitting there using my agony as a comfort blanket not realizing I could step out and continue my journey without making shackles of my past. My biggest critic is always the voice inside my head convincing me that this it and nothing positive will happen now that this certain calamity has occurred. But I did not surrender.

If I continued to listen to the voice in my head that tried to persuade me to stop living my life, I would have become a walking corpse stuck in the past blind to the beauty of the present and the promises of the future. I would not become a saint by wallowing in self-pity when everyone else around me continued living. The voice cannot be defeated but it can be reasoned with. Sometimes it took all my energy to force myself out of bed and explore what was beyond my front door and put my responsibilities aside for a moment. It was important to take one breath at a time at a slower pace. Everything and everyone who mattered would still be there right where I may have left them so my worry would be unwarranted. This was not the time to please as others. Actually, it is never the right time to please others. Although it may have been difficult to see this and I still struggle with this today, choosing me was always the right choice.

So now when that discomfort comes my way I have learned to welcome it and prepare myself to flow along with the change. I will continue to ebb and bend etching my way and leaving my mark in the sands of time. Though my structures may be manipulated by the environment around me, the strength of my waves will continue to push their way through so that I become a safe harbour for my loved ones.

Until Next Time,

Photo by Rod Long on Unsplash