Chrysallis

 

I hate thinking about my flaws or exposing myself and announcing my vulnerability. But here I am creating a space where I discuss those topics in great detail. I hesitate because I am still terrified that someone will recognize me and find out who I am if I reveal too much. However, if I don't show you who I truly am, how can I ensure you this is a safe space for you as well. So with small steps, I continue. I don't have many readers anyway, so it feels like I am writing in a journal that only I will ever read. But that is okay too. Interestingly, I have been more committed to this page I have created than any diary I have ever owned. In some ways, I am still hiding it from the world out of fear of rejection and pain. Although, this time, the worldwide web is hiding it for me amongst the sea of thought and the spoken and written word available. I am not even sure if people enjoy the simple act of reading anymore amidst the sensory involvement now available in the form of video and audio. This is but a simple text.

    I sit here and think about what I offer and it isn't much since I am no expert. Even the fact that I am not a resident doctor inadvertently holds me back from discussing medical subjects with you because the voice in my head reminds me I am not there yet. I am not where I need to be so I should not talk about it. But life doesn't work that way. If I keep waiting for the right moment in time, it will never come because there is no true perfection in this life. At this moment, there are many things I "should" be doing and achieving, such as having a career and producing children. I am doing neither because I am stuck between two countries and distanced from my husband. Not to mention the fact that I have fertility issues that I am trying to deal with at the same time. Sure, there are steps I can take to accomplish my career goals, but I cannot bring myself to. 

    I am not depressed, but I am in a slump. Until now, I have been chasing those goals in my life that continue to feel unattainable or so far away. I am sitting here wondering when I will have the life I keep dreaming about because I just never reach that state. Some say I am ungrateful for what is before me and I am blind to it because I am always looking forward to the next big thing. I wish to disagree with that because I have been running as long as I can remember and I am just asking for a place to rest and enjoy life for a moment or two. When will I catch a break? Every year I make plans that I might achieve before the next year begins, but something ends up holding me back, something that I have no control over. Maybe I should have prepared for those events to occur or taken action which I did not at the time but how does one know it will not work out? Why do I end up ignoring my instincts in a lot of cases and then look back to see they had warned me? Everything becomes exhausting.

    Sometimes I wonder to myself why can I not allow myself to just be happy and remember everything I have going for me. It is just so easy to nitpick and find flaws in all the positive I am surrounded with and that is what my brain wants, find reasons to run away from it all. In some ways, it is like the act of cutting oneself. There is a need to feel the pain and let that pain wash over because there is no strength to face what is real and what is hurting inside. The mind continually and obsessively buzzes, reminding me everything needs to be neat and perfect. If my brain finds flaws then it is game over and time to self-sabotage. Why do I actively ruin what I hold dear and self-destruct? It has become easier for me to sit there and say it's over. What you wanted didn't happen, move on and forget about it. Almost as if it is better to console myself than work hard in continuing to strive for that person or some professional goal. It became easier to be the loser.

    Unlearning these toxic traits is an everyday struggle from the moment I open my eyes in the morning until I fall asleep. My consciousness ingrained these traits so deeply that they are very difficult to retrieve from within the depths I bury them. Every day I need to remind myself this is not what I truly want, and when I fight this, I will feel better about myself and where I am headed in life. Some days are harder than others and relapses occur, but I know if I remain stubborn and push through, those relapses will eventually space out and become few and far in between. I needed to accept there will be several battles until the war is won, but at least I am trying to make the changes. That is important. Change. I need to molt out of this chrysalis I am encased in and fly out into a new reality that I have built for myself. The shell that remains will be a sign of my struggle and defiance to remain shackled to past values and portray my escape to a life of my choosing. These are the struggles I want to share and the reason I wish to put myself out there. Maybe those stuck where I used to be can see there is hope for change and a way out of the darkness. 

Until Next Time,

Photo by Karina Vorozheeva on Unsplash